"On the Sapient Regulation of Brats, Termagants, Races Half
Devil and Half Child, and Other Such Curiosities as Afflict the Polity"
by Fred Reed
"To start with “trans” people. What I think is, when I read about trans people, always hollering about their rights and sufferings, and how the world isn’t exactly the way they think it should be, is that someone should tell them to sit down and shut up. They have come to be nuisances. Additionally, they are ridiculous. I am not interested in their trivial problems. I wish them no harm, just wish they would put their right clothes on.
I hear that Bruce Jenner thinks he is a girl and wants to be governor of California. All right, I think I am a long-haired Schnauzer and want to be CEO of Microsoft. How is that going to work? I want to say, see, Bruce, wanting to be something and actually being it don’t always go together. Now, Bruce, I have some experience of girls, though not as much as I hoped for and, buddy, you just ain’t one. There just ain’t enough silicone.
Another weariness under which I suffer is poofters. Yes, they are harmless, usually bright and productive, often talented. I don’t want to do anything to them. May they flourish. For all I care, they can litter the earth with gay bars, like McDonald’s or Office Depot. I just don’t want to hear about them, or their problems. I have my own.
Nor do I have anything against Lesbians. They too have been around forever and don’t seem to have ruined the earth or anything. There were probably Lesbian trilobites, and dinosaurs too. Judging by some modern ones, there may be an evolutionary connection. I am just not interested in them. I wish they would just quiet down, and do whatever they do - each other, I think - quietly.
Further, college students and their moronic pieties. I am homicidally tired of moralisms from self-absorbed brats apparently in need of diapering. When a yearning world forces dictatorship on me, I will impose the death penalty on anyone who says “heteronormative.” There is too much noise from abnormatives, hetero or otherwise. Further, I will put a bounty on anyone who says “marginalized communities.” No bag limit. I figure marginalized communities need to be more marginalized, at least out of hearing distance.
I concede my ideas may not be up to date. I read about SJWs pulling down statues, and I thought it meant Single Jewish Woman, because that’s what it used to mean on dating sites. I wondered why they were toppling statues. Did they think they could get dates that way? Well, it seems SJW means Social Justice Warrior, which means a Gender Studies major with a dimly lit mind and the culture of a retarded twelfth-century night-soil collector.
When these earnest terrestrial tugboats are hauling away on a statue, they should be asked what the statue did. OK, probably nothing, but I mean who the statue is of. If they don’t know they should get a free vasectomy or Norplant or something.
On a British channel I saw a reporter ask a girl who was busily pulling on a statue of Churchill what she thought of him. She didn’t know, she said, she had never met him. The brains of a box turtle. We have come to this.
Now we come to affirmative action, which is the idea that you should get a job because you can’t do it. This is very woke and progressive, and probably inclusive. It is good for the economy, because anyone can find a job he can’t do, so he can get hired. As I understand it, the more you can’t do it, the more you ought to get hired. For example, I can’t do brain surgery, and I can’t be point guard for the Lakers. So I should get both jobs.
Now, racists and other realists say that affirmative action is for losers, that if you are good enough you don’t need it, and that if you need it you aren’t good enough. and if you get it anyway, you are a miserable parasite and ought to be flogged. This line of thought is quite shocking and reprehensible. But it would work like gangbusters.
Actually, I am probably overqualified as point guard as I am old, half-blind, and with a lousy jump shot. If I were actually dead, I would be a shoo-in. I would be the first Schnauzer on the Lakers. Koom bah yah, and all.
The reader should not think I am against affirmative action just because it is lunatic and bat-brained. Many things are, such as lunatics and bats. I just think we need a more inclusive and democratic affirmative action. Everybody should be eligible. If everybody got it, then racist conservatives couldn’t complain that it was racist, as otherwise it too obviously is. It is not fair to discriminate against people merely because they have a lower level of incapacity than others.
I can see other avenues for this enlightened approach. It might be applied to looting or, as it ought to be called, independently authorized acquisition. What I don’t get is, looters say they are looking for social justice, but when they come running out of stores, they usually have a TV or tennis shoes. Now, maybe they just can’t tell tennis shoes from social justice. Anybody can make a mistake.
Next, black activists also might sit down and shut up to the great furtherance of national comity. In fact this is a perfectly splendid idea. Especially about reparations. I have no interest in paying them for something I didn’t do and they have never been done to. (That was almost English.) I think blacks should pay me reparations for atrocities in the Tai Ping Wars in China. I wasn’t there, and blacks didn’t do it, so they owe me reparations. See?
A part of black culture that might use some work under warranty is mass murder. Every year in Chicago blacks kill about seven hundred of each other. I figure this is part of their culture, because if it wasn’t they wouldn’t do it every year. Now, I don’t want to see these people dead, or anybody else. I don’t want to meddle in cultural matters that are not my business. But it just seems to me that they might take up something else, like bowling.
Finally, I am weary unto death of Indigenous Peoples. I wish them no harm. They can be as Indigenous as they like, have all the Indigenicities or Indigenisms and suchlike as suits them. They can dance in circles and have Spiritually Significant Chants to gods they don´t really believe in and beat on logs with sticks and complain about Columbus while talking on smartphones invented by his progeny. Fine. I have no problem if they do it somewhere else.
Unlike the politically virtuous, I am not out to get the Indians. I don’t agree with all the woke who want to take Indigenous names off everything, like the Washington Redskins, and eliminate all traces of Indian past from America. Stone age savages are people too, and no worse than any other savages, such as ourselves.
OK, that’s todays sociological wisdom. Now I’m going to the local biker bar, which is the Iron Horse, for a double Beam and coke and talk about sensible things, like really bad-ass Harleys. A little social consciousness goes a long way."