“The Immutable Laws of Nature, and Murphy’s Other 15 Laws”
by Peter McKenzie-Brown
“The Immutable Laws of Nature”
• Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
• Law of Gravity: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place.
• Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
• Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
• Law of Variable Motion: If you change traffic lanes or checkout queues, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
• Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
• Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases exponentially when you are alongside someone you don’t want to be seen with.
• Law of the Damned Thing: When you try to prove to someone that a machine or device won’t work, it will.
• Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
• Law of the Spectator: At any theatrical, musical or sporting event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, for beer, or to the toilet and who leave before the end of the performance or game. Those who occupy the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay seated beyond the end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
• Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your partner will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
• Murphy’s Law of Lockers: When only 2 people are in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
• Law of Plane Surfaces: The chance that a slice of marmalade toast will land face down on a floor is directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
• Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible when you don’t know what you are talking about.
• Law of Physical Appearance: If clothes fit, they’re ugly.
• Law of Public Speaking: A closed mouth gathers no feet
• Law of Commercial Marketing: As soon as you find a product that you really like, it will cease production or the store will stop selling it.
• Law of Psychosomatic Medicine: If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to see to the doctor and by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. If you don’t make an appointment you’ll stay sick.
“Murphy’s Other 15 Laws”
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.”
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