"Thanksgiving 2023:
PEZ, Garfield, and Lab-Grown Poodle"
by John Wiilder
"I’ve mentioned before, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Most of the time it’s four or more days off for me, long enough not to be rushed. It’s also a holiday that doesn’t have the desperation of Christmas, nor the somber elation of Easter. Thanksgiving is peaceful for me.
Although I like to do this fairly often, at this time of year, I do like to sit back and think about the things that I’m thankful for. It’s a long list, so, here it goes the Thanksgiving 2024 version:
I’m thankful for Pa and Ma Wilder, who took me in and then didn’t drown me. I was an awful child. How bad? I caused more damage to our house than the First Gulf War. To be fair, the First Gulf War didn’t really do much damage to our house.
I’m thankful to my big brother, John Wilder, who pushed me into things that I needed to do, things that weren’t comfortable to me that helped me face difficulty and learn to overcome it. I also threw up all over his school clothes one year. Not sure how you get vomit out of a leather belt.
I’m thankful for Joe Biden, because there’s never been an easier, more corrupt, or more incompetent president to mock. Joe has single-handedly turned more Zoomers to the Right than any living man.
I’m thankful for winter, because no matter how cold it gets I can still put on more clothes. In the summer, there is a limit to how much clothing I can take off, or at least that’s what the police tell me.
I’m thankful for hot coffee on a cold winter morning when it’s silent as the snow keeps falling.
I’m thankful for PEZ®. Because it’s PEZ™.
I’m thankful for each morning. I hate mornings, but they’re better than the alternative. Oh, wait, I like afternoons. Sadly, everyone gets cross when I sleep into the afternoon.
I’m thankful that I have so few moments in life that are truly awful, and knowing that I can get over them because the world is actually a pretty great place, and I always know that there’s someone I can talk to, if I need to. Thankfully, I don’t have many feelings like you humans er, nevermind.
I’m thankful for firearms. They cause a lot of damage in the wrong hands, I’ll admit. But they cause even more damage when they’re only in the hands of the government. So if the government wants to have a gun-free world, they can disarm first.
I’m thankful for cats and dogs, but sorry cows taste so good. Cows look like they might be good bros and fun to hang with, but, sorry. They’re just too tasty.
I’m thankful for my close family, (The Mrs., kids). For whatever reason, most of them seem to put up with me, or at least haven’t filed restraining orders.
I’m thankful that you, reader, come here on a regular basis to share your ideas with me. I’m hopeful you get a chuckle or two.
I’m thankful for the taste of a turkey sandwich the day after Thanksgiving. Toasted bread, mayo, turkey, mustard, some salt and pepper are enough. Add in some lettuce and tomato if you have them, but they’re not required.
I’m very thankful for the time I have, and just wish there were more hours in a day. As I grow older, I know the most precious of all things is our time and attention. Of course, if I hadn’t eaten in a month or so, I’d probably be even more thankful for a gnawed pork chop bone. But sitting here, right now? It’s time.
I’m thankful to live in the time and place that I do. I’m sure the past was wonderful, and I’m sure the future will be wonderful. But, you know, there’s a problem with both of those. My stuff is all here, and I’m not even sure how to pack for 1850 or 2432, I mean, what’s the weather like?
Lastly (and firstly), I’m thankful to the Creator. It has been a weird ride so far, but enjoyable. I’m sure I’ll figure out the “why” part in the end. As Soren Kierkegard said, we can only understand the past from the vantage point of the future. But he said it in Danish, so he probably sounded like the Swedish Chef® when he said it.
I hope that your Thanksgiving is peaceful, joyful, and that you are surrounded by those that love you, or at least by PEZ™ dispensers from another cosmic realm that may eat your soul. Whichever you prefer.
What did I miss? What are you thankful for?"
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