"A Modest Proposal Concerning Haiti"
by John Wilder
“Don’t worry. It’s good luck. In Haiti.”
– Caddyshack
"Haiti is in trouble. Again. This is not a repeat from (spins wheel) nearly every year in Haiti’s history. If you look back, more Haitian leaders have been killed and eaten (hopefully in that order) than there are grains of sand in a beach.
Okay. That may be an exaggeration, since I made up the statistic. But it’s clear that Haiti is awful. The best part of Haiti is not even close to being as good as the worst part of the United States. I believe it was Michael Yon who described Haitians as “Cannibals Without Borders” which is a phrase I really hate for the sole reason that I didn’t come up with that one on my own. Dangit.
Haitians have a history that would make Pol Pot jealous. From the beginning, it was born in blood and slavery, and then managed, somehow, to get worse. I want to make a stand, right here and now, and say that the number of Haitians that should be let into the country is zero.
To be clear, I don’t want most anyone allowed in anymore, but I decided to pick on Haiti because it’s the latest foreign hellhole that will soon be sending in droves of awful people trying to escape the very problems that they created by moving to Nebraska or some place so they can bring the wonders of Voodoo (yes, they still do that) and cannibalism (yes, they still do that) and rape (yes, it’s the national sport) to the Cornhusker state.
As I said, this isn’t entirely a Haitian thing, though they’ve managed the impossible: they make communist Cuba communist Venezuela, and all of the Mad Max® movies look like paradise in comparison to Tuesday in Haiti.
No, the biggest reason I don’t want Haitians to come to the United States is because I really feel empathy for the Haitians and wouldn’t want to expose them to the horrors of our country. First, it’s a philosophical question: The GloboLeftElite tells me that all cultures are equal. So, if all cultures are equal, I think that depriving Haiti of their best and brightest is selfish. They should stay home and keep their totally equal culture going. I mean, why shouldn’t they give cannibalism a chance?
Point Two: I’ve been reliably informed that the culture of the United States is filled with systemic racism. Why would we want to bring more People of Color into a situation where they would face that? Why would they want to come here? I realize that Point One says that all cultures are equal, but it’s been pointed out that the culture of the United States is bad, so we cannot in good conscience let anyone else in. Ever. We’re that bad. We need to keep everyone else from living here.
Point Three: I’ve been reliably informed that the United States, while having no culture of its own, steals the culture of various people across the world. Imagine the horror! White teenagers are making tacos, TACOS!, at the local Taco Bell® thus stealing the sacred food that only Hispanics can make and despite the GloboLeftElite© being in favor of diversity.
An aside: I came up with a climate-friendly way to stop the illegal alien problem while fighting Climate Change™ by turning all the illegal aliens into food to stop them from entering the most carbon dioxide creating economy on the planet and killing us all. Sadly, this would be (I am reliably informed by the GloboLeftistElite) cultural appropriation from Haitians. Perhaps we should ship all of the illegal aliens to Haiti to allow them to be consumed, thus feeding Haitians and slowing Global Warming®?
Point Four: The Haitians might feel bad because there are still statues left standing of amazing Americans and Europeans that have achieved things that Haitians didn’t, like killing but not eating lots of Japanese or going to the Moon and not killing or eating anyone up there. We really want to spare their feelings.
Point Five: The vast majority of Black Studies programs in the United States wouldn’t be good for Haitians because they do not, in fact, deal much with black people, but rather with how evil white people (and now those sneaky Asians) have been bad to black people. Since the vast majority of Haitian History (since 1800 or so) has been more-or-less white people free, these college course would just confuse them.
Point Six: Many Haitians actively say that they hate white people. Good Heavens! The United States is literally filled with white people! I think we should take them (and every other illegal alien that hates white people) and help them by sending them to a country without white people, like Wakanda or the upper part of the Amazon drainage basin.
Point Seven: The United States is one of the most slave-free countries in the world today. In all of the countries of North and South America, Haiti is number two in terms of per capita modern slavery. Why would we want to impose our anti-slavery cultural imperialism on the absolutely equal (according to the GloboLeftElite) slavery practices of Haitians?
In summary, we need to keep Haitians out of the United States because we don’t want to expose them to the toxic United States culture (which also does not exist) which would infect their totally-not-awful-and-not-at-all-a-hellhole-culture-which-is-totally-equivalent-to-the-United-States-except-it’s-better-because-the-Haitians-aren’t-imperialist-colonizers.
In summary, Haiti is only in trouble because we have tried to help it in the past. We could help by keeping the Haitians in there by sinking their boats and not sending them food except for airdropping them the illegal aliens who are currently suffering oppression and racism by being in the United States.
See? Hard problems have simple Wilder solutions."
o
Related:
"The Unmitigated Racist Gall of
Suggesting Haitians Give Up Cannibalism"
by Ben Bartee
"Some time in the past, liberal thinkers of the Western worldview cultivated a concept called “cultural relativism,” which has since rendered the Western mind a stupefied mess, unable to pass any sort of moral judgment at all on other cultures - let alone assert its own superiority when it’s warranted (almost all cultures have at least something that they offer better than the rest; the culture-making art is taking - “appropriating,” if you will - those elements of foreign cultures that are noble and discarding those that are not). I have explored this phemonenon and its manifestations at great lengths in my expat memoir, "Broken English Teacher: Notes From Exile."
We have seen the ramifications of cultural relativism, driven to its maximalist conclusion, play out in the recent melodrama regarding Haitian cannibal gangs. Via NBC News: “As Haiti faces an extreme political and societal crisis amid a wave of intense violence, tech billionaire Elon Musk and right-wing pundits online are weaponizing unverified claims of cannibalism coming out of the conflict to advance a political agenda on immigration. Musk and conservative influencers have spread the message to millions, smearing Haitian migrants as cannibals as they endure deep uncertainty about the future of their country and family members still there.
The claims are getting tens of millions of views on the social media platform X, where false or misleading information has spread since Musk bought the app and slashed content moderation. Many of the people spreading the sensational claims are premium subscribers on X, meaning their content can make them money through advertising sales."
The accusations of widespread cannibalism are based on what experts said was a likely intimidation tactic from select gang members: In some videos, the most prominent examples being at least two years old, alleged members of violent gangs in Haiti appear to bite into human flesh. Experts said these videos are likely part of propaganda campaigns designed to scare rivals and terrorize local Haitians rather than a reflection of common or normalized behavior. One former armed group went by the name ‘Cannibal Army.’”
Well, the acknowledgment of the practice of institutionalized cannibalism doesn’t get much more explicit than naming one’s gang “Cannibal Army.” But let’s not let such an admission get in the way of the classic practice of white self-flagellation. Via Rolling Stone: “There’s a long, shameful history of white westerners baselessly accusing Haitians of cannibalism and human sacrifice, often connecting them to Haitian Vodou, a heavily stereotyped African diasporic religion.”
Of course, the practice of cannibalism as a tool of war and political intimidation and spiritual empowerment among descendants of Africans is well-documented, perhaps nowhere better than this Vice documentary (when Vice produced quality work).
o
WARNING! ABSOLUTELY HORRIFYING VIDEO! VIEW WITH DISCRETION!
"The Cannibal Warlords of Liberia"
"VICE travels to West Africa to rummage through the messy remains of a country ravaged by years of civil war. Despite the United Nation's eventual intervention, most of Liberia's young people continue to live in abject poverty, surrounded by filth, drug addiction, and teenage prostitution. The former child soldiers who were forced into war have been left to fend for themselves, the murderous warlords who once led them in cannibalistic rampages have taken up as so-called community leaders, and new militias are lying in wait for the opportunity to reclaim their country from a government they rightly mistrust."
o
The reality, is, though, that this current media narrative is a classic case of gaslighting and goalpost-shifting, playing on the well-conditioned self-hatred and cultural relativism engrained in the minds of the whites.
For now, we have the denials from the likes of NBC that cannibalism exists at all - or, if it does, that it’s a freak occurrence and not indicative of any sort of cultural tolerance of the practice. However, even if it came to light that cannibalism were practiced far and wide in Haiti - even if the country made a national holiday out of it by popular referendum - the next move from the media liberal class would be to celebrate Haitian cannibalism as an act of sacred cultural Diversity™ and smear anyone who objected as a White Supremacist™ bigot. That’s how this game gets played."
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