"Future Headline:
The Problematic First Contact With Intelligent Alien Life"
By Simon Black
"I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life.
It's just been too intelligent to come here."
- Arthur C. Clarke
"In a world brimming with bewildering headlines, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads. “Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and legislation.
June 2, 2028: The Problematic First Contact With Intelligent Alien Life: Worldwide hopes for friendlier relations with our extraterrestrial visitors vanished this morning when the aliens climbed back aboard their space ships and flew away, after nearly three weeks of failed talks with senior US government officials.
The aliens had known of Earth’s existence for centuries, but they deliberately avoided our planet in their interstellar travels because they viewed human civilization as too underdeveloped. However, after monitoring NASA’s first-ever public hearing on UFOs, which took place nearly five years ago to the day, on May 31, 2023, the aliens decided to initiate first contact.
Their journey to earth took several years. And when they arrived last month, a collective sigh of relief could be felt around the world when the aliens came bearing gifts. Their initial contact with our planet seemed expertly planned to calm our nerves, as they distributed miracle cures for viruses, parasites, and even cancer. And, as they had spent the entire journey learning our languages, they were easily able to communicate.
The first world leader the aliens met with was US President Kamala Harris, and they showed her a small metallic box which they said would provide limitless free energy to the world. However, relations with the alien visitors quickly took a turn for the worse when the President began talking about science.
According to several observers at the meeting, President Harris explained to the aliens that basic principles of biology, like sex and gender, are myths that are rooted in violent heterodoxy, at which point the space diplomats appeared to burst out laughing. Of course, President Harris and her scientific advisers found this reaction deeply offensive, and they tried to explain that the aliens were displaying problematic colonizer attitudes.
Federal officials have spent the last several weeks trying to re-educate the aliens about science, leading to strained relations between our species. The aliens countered by producing thousands of holograms worth of data disproving the Americans’ claims, data which the White House called “ignorant and offensive”. Finally the aliens, in apparent exasperation, grabbed their energy cube, and stormed out. Their ship was observed leaving earth’s atmosphere this morning, and there has been no contact since.
Despite the loss of revolutionary alien technology, top officials say they don’t regret the outcome. As President Harris told reporters this morning, “Frankly, there’s no room on this earth for anti-science hate speech, whatever the species.” In other news, pharmaceutical and energy stocks, which initially plunged to near-zero value amid alien contact, have rebounded to record highs."
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