"I, Santos"
Introducing the perfect man for Congress...
by Bill Bonner
Youghal, Ireland - "As every sentient biped now knows, Mr. George Santos lied to get himself elected to Congress. The poor man is now the butt of jokes for standup comics all over the country. He provides the Democrats with evidence – if any more were needed – that Republicans can’t be trusted….while distracting the public from their own agenda, which is ruining the country.
But here at Bonner Private Research, we judge not. We just keep our eyes and ears open. We don’t really care about George Santos, but we’re very curious about the system of government that selects a low-life hustler like him as a decider. In the interest of understanding better how our democracy really works, we let him explain himself:
Trust Me, I’m Lying: “Alright. So, I lied. Big whoop. I said I graduated from Baruch College. I never actually set foot in the school. I said I went to the prestigious Horace Mann prep school. Nope. I said my grandparents were holocaust survivors. They were not. I said I worked for Goldman Sachs. I never did. I said I was Jewish. Then, I clarified. I was ‘Jew-ish,’ but not a Jew. I said I was ‘half-Black’, Ukrainian…and lost employees in the Pulse nightclub mass shooting. None of those things are true. I said my mother died on 9/11. (She was shocked to hear it! She didn’t die until 15 years later.)
Somehow, I went from being penniless in 2020….to having millions of dollars to spend on my campaign in 2022. I claimed to own apartment buildings….and made money by selling used yachts. I was the key man in a hedge fund. Of course, there is more to that story….and I’m sure it will come out in due time.
After a 7-year marriage to a woman I realized I was gay…and now have a ‘husband’…which you can take any way you want.
And so now the press – which asked almost no questions when I was running for office – is having fun catching me up in what must seem like an almost never-ending series of falsehoods. The public is appalled. The voters say they were “deceived.” And the media is feeling proud of itself…for “unmasking” a Republican fraudster.
But there is more to the story. And I’m grateful to Bonner Private Research for giving me a chance to tell it. After all, to accuse a politician of lying is like accusing a prostitute of being unchaste. Of course, he lies. That is just the nature of his work. Imagine the candidate who didn’t lie. The voters would want nothing to do with him:
I have to tell you that if I’m elected I won’t make any of you richer. You have to do that yourself. And if I, as a member of Congress, slip a little earmark into the budget so someone gets public money, it just means we’ll have to take it from someone else. Or, if I vote for a program where the feds ‘do something’ for you, it will have to be done at your own expense. The federal government has no money…and no power…that doesn’t come from you.
I’m not going to build a house for you. I’m not going to plant cabbages or raise cattle to lower your food costs. I’m not going to teach your children. Or lower the price of gasoline. And I can’t make you any healthier either. You know how to do that. Just don’t eat so much, exercise…and so forth.
And the Ukraine? Are you serious? As near as I can tell it’s just an excuse to send more of your money to Pentagon contractors and neocon think tanks. So, if you want your government to give you something, or to do something for you, vote for the other guy.
Big F**king Deal: That candidate would be quickly consigned to the graveyard of political careers. Because he wouldn’t give the voters what they want. Then, what good could he do?
I, on the other hand, was practically born for Congress. I got elected. That proves it. Yes, I embellished my resume. Big F**king Deal. The important thing is that I’m a good liar…practiced…and confident. I can make connections with the voters, by telling them what they want to hear. Isn’t that what it’s all about?
So what if I didn’t have grandparents who were Holocaust survivors; that’s not my fault. And what if I didn’t really go to Horace Mann; my parents couldn’t afford the $60,000/yr tuition; so what? So what if I wasn’t always gay; what business is it of anyone else?
Compare those lies to the trillion-dollar fibs embedded in the New Deal, the Great Society, the War to Make the World Safe for Democracy, Make America Great Again, the War on Terror. My lies are harmless…and more important, free. They cost the voters nothing. I only lie about myself.
But wait. They show that George Santos is untrustworthy…that he is a rascal. Yes, of course they do. But those are just the threshold qualifications for a Member of Congress; I passed the entry test with flying colors. And now…throw him out because he lies? If you were to apply that test, how many politicians would survive?”
(Santos is right. The lies that matter are those that involve spending other people’s money…squandering the nation’s wealth…and turning its people into dependent numbskulls. Since press reports have exclusively focused on the lies that don’t matter, we know nothing about his lies that do matter. He is said to be a disciple of Donald Trump, so we assume he is a cretin. But giving him the benefit of the doubt…. his policy predilections may be no worse than the other 534 benighted scoundrels on Capitol Hill.)
Decent Dishonesty: “Am I really worse than the others,” Santos asks. “Yes, in a sense…my lies are more obvious and more disprovable. But they are the kind of lies that reveal the truth…they help ‘The People’ see the real nature of their political system. And it might inoculate them against the real liars.
Suppose I, rather than Colin Powell, had stood before the world and made the fraudulent ‘Weapons of Mass Destruction’ accusation. Who would have believed me? The US might have been spared the Iraq War. And suppose I had been on watch last week, when Congress voted on the $1.7 trillion, 4,000+ page budget bill. Maybe my endorsement would have been enough to make New York Times reporters wonder what was in it.
And who better than I to rise to my feet and applaud that showman Zelenskyy, in his preposterous military get-up? It takes one to know one. And if I had made the case for military aid to the Ukraine, the war might have ended 6 months ago. Last year, the Ukraine got $120 billion – twice as much as the whole Russian defense budget. Anyone who looked into the affair for more than a minute knows that the whole thing – like WWI, Vietnam, or the War on Terror – is a deadly scam.
That’s why having recognized liars in Congress is so important. It helps remind the press and the voters to ask questions. And the questions bring out the truth. And I, Santos, can make it happen. I am the liar who lets the truth out of the bag. I am also what the voters want. I am gay. I am straight. I am a Jew. And a Catholic. I am a Trump man…and an LGBTQ+ representative. I am a conservative; I’m a liberal. I am Black. I am Ukrainian. I am a Republican…and ready to support any fool cause the voters want. Do they want Green Energy? They got it! Do they want to bomb the Russkies back to the stone age? I’m their man. Do they want more stimmies? More unemployment toppers? More fake money at more fake interest rates?
I’m the guy they want. The perfect Member of Congress. With something for everyone…and nothing for everybody.”
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