"Biden’s Economic Case For Nuclear War"
by John Wilder
“Two hundred years have passed since the nuclear war raged to an end and the computers took over what was left of the world - sealed it off from the outside - and made it perfect. Now, in the Domed City in this year 2319, living is unending joy.” – "Logan’s Run"
"When we lived in Fairbanks, my hobby in the summer was getting firewood. I was the Bubba (from Forrest Gump) of firewood: “There’s lots of ways to have birch. There’s split birch, there’s dry birch, there’s stacked birch, there’s birch that the bark fell off of, there’s birch that still has bark, there’s wet birch, there’s birch logs...” you get the idea. Now imagine that James Spader was saying it. That will become important later.
As such, we spent a lot of time in the (mostly Gump-free) forest. The Mrs. would generally keep an eye on the (then four-year-old) The Boy. Outside of moose and grizzly bear, the forest was safe. Oh, did I mention the wasps? Yeah. Fairbanks was infested with them. So, one day while I was knocking down trees and sawing them up, The Boy was playing near a tree.
Then The Boy started screaming. If you noticed the clear foreshadowing, it certainly wasn’t a bear or a moose, but rather The Boy had been jumping up and down (unknowingly) on a subterranean wasp nest. Wasps have a sense of humor. Oh, no, they don’t. They’re hatred wrapped up in spite with a side order of malice and animosity. So, they did the only thing their stupid malignant minds can comprehend: they stung The Boy. Repeatedly.
Fast forward a few months. We had abandoned all of that sweet, sweet birch that we were going to combust in order to liberate the carbon back into the atmosphere and move from Fairbanks to Houston. Ugh. In the backyard, though, a beautiful butterfly came fluttering by bouncing from flower to flower. I could see the wonder and amazement in The Boy’s eyes as he tracked it across the backyard. He moved close.
“Be careful,” I said, “they bite!” He ran screaming into the house, and now I had a four-year-old son that was deathly afraid of butterflies and also the problem of explaining to The Mrs. how I was really just kidding and not intentionally emotionally scarring our child.
Good times.
“What,” you might ask, “does that story have to do with nuclear war? I can read the title, John Wilder, and I didn’t come here for twisted tales of how you made a child cry by telling him that butterflies sting.” Well, bear with me.
What if nuclear war is not so bad? What if nuclear war is Joe Biden’s cunning plan to revive our economy? I mean, giving trillions of dollars just seemed to work for a while, and now everyone’s tired of having all that free money. Giving billions to the vaxx companies so that they could, um, prevent oops, lessen the likelihood the vaxxed got COVID oops, lessen the impact of COVID oops, make billions of dollars in profits.
The next best idea that Biden had, besides eating crayons and attempting to have sex with his desk was just more of the “print trillions of dollars” idea. That didn’t go as well once people figured out they weren’t the ones getting the money, and they had to trade internal organs for a tank of gasoline.
Giving billions of dollars to Ukraine seemed safe, but outside of asking for more money, Zelinsky’s prime impact on the war effort in Ukraine appears to be walking around sweaty in an olive drab t-shirt while looking for escorts with Hunter Biden. Huh. That doesn’t seem to be working.
So, how about provoking a nuclear war? I can just imagine the conversation with the cabinet...
Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin (SECDEF): “Are you sure, Mr. President? Don’t you think that giving Ukraine, and I quote, ‘a whole bejeebus load of guns and stuff’ might provoke the Russians?”
Vice President Kamala Harris (VP): (unintelligible giggling, possibly drunk)
Secretary of State Antony Blinken (STATE): “I’d like to remind you, Mr. President, there are a lot of Ukrainians that we’ve got left. I mean, the Russians have to run out of artillery shells at some point.”
Joseph R. Biden (BRANDON): “But, hey, man, have you thought this through? If we bomb the Russians, and they bomb us, we can (long pause) you know the thing. Build better boobies.” (waves hands while looking uncomprehendingly at imaginary people behind him)
Vice President Kamala Harris (VP): (giggling) “You said boobies! Check out this rack!” (lifts blouse)
Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen (TREAS): (ignoring VP) “He has a point. Think of all the industrial activity we would get if a nuclear war hit the United States. Look at (checks notes) Japan. We nuked them twice, and look how their economy skyrocketed!”
Joseph R. Biden (BRANDON): “Yeah, man, he has a good point. Is it a good point? Who has the good point?”
Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen (TREAS): “You, sir.”
Vice President Kamala Harris (VP): (giggling) “So, it’s settled! Margaritas for everyone! This has been a long, hard day, if you know what I mean.” (winking at Yellen)
Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin (SECDEF): “Sounds great! I’m in. Just one more thing to do before I call it a day!” (picks up phone to call NORAD) “Brandon has authorized Operation McChicken™, repeat, Brandon has authorized Operation McChicken©, authorization code “PEZ BRAVO JOHNNY DEPP.” (hangs up phone) “Now where’s that margarita?”
So, if it appears that that the Biden Administration is being run by people who have all of the competence of Bulgarian mall lawyers attempting to fix a seventeen-year-old copier by poking and prodding it with whatever pens and paperclips their greasy fingers can find hoping against hope that their random actions will fix whatever “ERROR 031” is?
No. The Bulgarian mall lawyers, though only dimly aware that their random actions are little more effective than hitting the machine with a hammer while chanting Sheryl Crow songs in the nude, at least were bright enough to not vote for Biden.
So, perhaps like that butterfly, nuclear war won’t be so bad? Despite how good Biden makes it sound, I’ll take my chances without having a nuclear war, thank you.
I’d love to write more, but I’m watching a movie with James Spader and it requires all of my attention because he might be Jack the Ripper."
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